i haven't been active in the blogosphere over the past few years. perhaps over those years, things changed, people changed, perceptions of life changed, priorities changed, and gradually you cave in to life as you approach a certain age of adulthood. i guess now, it's just the right moment to start taking a break from life, and recollect all the moments that had made you smile, cried, scream, laughed, and loved throughout my "hiatus" and accept them as an integral part of desmond's life, blend them all together and digest them as the bitter-sweet moments that you could only taste just once in life.
i've lived through my years not knowing what love was and there's nothing to be ashamed about that. one of my good close friends told me before "i can't wait for you to fall in love des!". i forever remembered her words, even though it was just a passing conversation in the car, it reminded me of how i've been so complacent about finding love knowingly how eager inside i've always wanted to be in one but i've never put in any effort in finding it, it was heart-rendering but at the same time a realization of my insecurities i've always had about myself.
well, put it this way (playing the "victim" aside), being the only child in the family, having been through the lost of a parent, surviving independently 4 years away from home, and an advocate of straying away from the status quo with all the transgressions of struggling with happiness, each single bit of those moments phasing in like rain drops into a seeded flower pot, from a fragile dormant seedling, u puncture through the husk and start growing throughout life and the more rain drops you receive, the more stronger you grow as the layer thickens throughout your life cycle, however the stronger you grow, the thicker your stem does to shielding all your vulnerabilities in the core to begin with. at times, with a bit of luck, fortunately u ease out a little bit of your vulnerabilities and then begin to flourish and branch out, and as you learn and survive, out comes magnificent green receptors of light to to nourish your vulnerabilities, your core, attempting to rid off your insecurities as you progress through your life cycle, making you more stronger as each leaf works to shed some light into your being.
pretty ideal isn't it?
here comes the punch and the big reality slap, i've always thought i'd be the odd plant out among all the tall gorgeous lush trees around me and thought i've seen and heard enough breakups, enough fights, enough dramas, enough discrimination, enough hate, enough injustice and enough negativity in life to be able to identify all those innate insecurities that I have and simply learn and just decide to be happy and trudge through life ignoring them till i exhaled my last breath. that has always been my mantra in life, but i realized i was so wrong all along. ignorance was never bliss, how could I possibly just decide to look pass those insecurities and assume that i was well off going through life as it is without facing them face to face and dealing with them one by one. then i understood it finally, i was so blinded by ignorance and i realized i was pretty much unhappy about my life all along and indirectly, it manifested itself in all it's nasty side and took a toll on my personality, and ultimately on my relationship.
love came into my life by chance when i had least expected it. and when it did, it changed everything. life was much more happier, brighter, everything was so right, i became more expressive, and... well, happier. you began to imagine a future together, shimmering glimpses of what life would be like together got more vivid and real, everyday was a blessing and i'd always find myself murmuring in the back of my head how lucky i was to have found love whenever i had failed to see the brighter side of humanity because i know i can always rely on my partner to make things better again even if it meant clawing each other up piece by piece then putting them back together again. indeed, love prevails and it was perfectly simple and beautiful considering before that i thought i had already given up on love and come to terms with myself walking down a lonely path till the end of days.
into the few months of our relationship, like how everything in this world does, things started to change, the misunderstandings, disagreements, small arguments started to come to light. albeit me being the newbie in relationships, we would always find ourselves communicating with each other and working everything out to "meet each other halfway" like how my partner then had always put it, my coping mechanism every time was to talk about it and be honest about everything and put it out in the open (after a brief showdown of sulking and distasteful meltdown of course). having that said, inside our hearts we both know how hard it was to have found love in the first place, all of the memories, the ugly side, the skeletons, the arguments, the laughter, the intimacy, and all the vulnerabilities that we've shared, endured, embraced and accepted of each other was what that has been grounding us together, never let them fade away. back then we knew in our hearts we were right for each other and realized it takes a lot of patience and effort to make things good again and it's a continuous process, it was never easy. there were times when i had even thought of giving up because it was too much to handle but i kept on telling myself, all this crap that we're going through right now throughout our relationship would've only made our bond stronger and maybe someday, just someday in the distant future, we'll be lying on the same bed or the couch after the day is done watching our favourite series and jokingly reminiscing those "moments" and laughing about it over a glass of wine, smiling to each other thinking of how we've come so far and being thankful and fortunate to have found one another with a peck on the cheek before bedtime. i admit that going through the first few months of the relationship, inside my mind i've always doubted myself whether "is this the one?" because i've never had a serious relationship before, and i was struggling with expressing love for my partner, it wasn't until a good close friend of mine contacted me to start planning and mapping plans for his surprise wedding proposal that got me thinking and comparing all those emotions and feelings he was explaining to me about being with her. listening attentively while talking with him, it struck me that it was exactly the same feeling as how i've always felt for my partner and it struck me why did i still need to contemplate when it has always been in front of me all along?
then everything started to change for me, i became emotionally attached, needy and emotionally dependent on my partner as if we switched roles during the beginning of our relationship. i started to let loose and let my guard down and i began to lost my own identity, my values, my personality and began changing my life habits, and the person my partner fell for at in the beginning changed, we both changed without even realizing it, my world revolved around my partner, i couldn't function and got emotionally attached and i realized i clutched all my emotional triggers on my partner with the ideal assumption that it was what love should be, how wrong i was. whenever we had a disagreement on something which made my partner uncomfortable, it reflected on my own emotions and i would be uncomfortable and moody as well, constantly blaming myself with expectations on how we both "should have" handled the situation to make things better hoping the other person to be able to make things right again. i admit that i was naive, fucking naive actually, instead i should've been able to see things objectively, taken a step back in the moment, and held on to my own emotions independently and acted positively to make my partner feel better and not expecting the other side to take the lead to console me because no one is in control of my own emotions but myself, not the other way around and vice versa, i was a wreck and i was instilling so much negativity inwards to our relationship, and all it took was a silly misunderstanding and wrong timing to set everything off like a bomb trigger. realizing that love emancipated me and for the first time, i was showing all my vulnerabilities in all it's glory, being vulnerable inadvertently exposed all those insecurities that i've shielded off from the world so long throughout my life and emotionally overwhelmed my partner, like branches stemming out erratically into overdrive.
all those insecurities made me clutched onto my partner like an emotional prosthesis and my state of mind, my well being solely depended on it, practically like an emotionally crippled person clinging on to a latch that locks on to all their vulnerabilities on thin ice, when that latch starts to wobble or when things gets unstable, all hell breaks loose and everything falls apart. i was being unfair towards my partner all along, we were both equally valued entity of beings and i acted emotionally inferior than my partner from the firm stable singleton who my partner fell for in the first place, it was so unfair and frankly a bit immature for myself. i see myself more clearer now, i vowed to never ever shed a tear of weakness in front of my partner no matter how bad things would get, and learn to stand by my own two feet and reflect before reacting, it really is just my own state of mind.
you see, when two people fall in love, it was never about "two become one" or "two hearts beating as one", it's the lifelong process of accommodating the dynamics of two different personalities that will be sharing their habits, vulnerabilities, and all the ups and downs in those moments with each other throughout their lives, or in other words, it's all about companionship and trust, ultimately that's what we call real love. yes, we've seen each of our ugly sides and how we acted out when we had our moments with others and had always find our ways to make things work between us, i've always admired us for being able to do so as short-lived it was. two people in love should be able to make each other "feel" good in the long run and comfortable with each other's presence through our individuality complementing and supporting each other emotionally, rather than just only focusing on making the other person happy and draining the emotional happiness from one person to another, while tipping the scales of the relationship in favour of the other, i get that now.
thinking back of all our silly misunderstandings and arguments, i was too caught up bothering about resolving conflicts to reach a common ground and making sure we don't repeat the same mistakes again, that was a colossal mistake. i was too focused on the subject problem, and never paid any attention to the emotional impact it had on both of us and as we progressed through our relationship, eventually things got dire. it was never about solving the problem, it was never about expectations, it was all merely perspectives, i was too blinded by love, so to speak, to see that my relationship was having problems.
i never thought break ups would be so enlightening, it changes us from inside and matures us, making us emotionally stronger. it takes real courage to be able to say "break up" when you know you're taking a risk in losing something so valuable and probably this is what it really means when couples say they need some "time off" from each other to do some thinking to re-evaluate their relationships, it's really is important. rule of thumb? agree to cease all forms of contacts should couples decide on a "time off", and really commit to thinking about the relationship, it'll give you the time and perspective u need to think and reflect without the distraction of the illusion that things are "fine", that's crucial in making things right again in relationships. i had only hoped i had realized it sooner and started making the necessary adjustments to make things work again with my partner, but it's just too late now when you realized that the feelings from the other side are just no longer there to salvage when it takes two to tango. a good friend consoled me by saying couples break up and get back together always because some are meant to be, but if i were given a second chance to make things right again, would I? probably, I don't know, I really don't, but I know I will do my best this time.
i started treating myself better. waking up early for morning jogs, signing up for gym with a friend, going places that i've never been before, doing things that i've always wanted to do, making peace with close friends that got off the wrong foot and facing all those insecurities head on dealing with them like a mexican bullfight. I admit there were a lot of moments of pain, regrets, self-victimizing talks and tears after a break up, moments when you have so many things left unsaid, bits of memories of how it all started starts pouring in, and a lot of unhappiness going on after a break up, you lost someone so precious you cherished and shared so much in life and thought was the one who could've had it all with knowing how much you've both struggled so long to find love, companionship and someone who understands you and accepts you for all the vulnerabilities all that you are, and when you found that person, yet you took him/her for granted while being together in the first place and pushing him/her away without knowing it, the pain of such lost is just indescribable. but knowing that I am able to feel such pain shows how significant and meaningful the relationship was to me, so it's time for me to start embracing it for what it was and maybe to a little extent to what it could have been, face it and understand that I'm going through all these emotions is because I am only human with the capability to love another human.
it takes balls to be honest to face your own emotions, insecurities and vulnerabilities but it takes even more courage to accept it and let go, learn from your mistakes and rebuild yourself even if it is easier said than done. be good to yourself desmond.
thank you scooter pajamas :)
Labels: letstalkabout, life, love, thoughts