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Monday, December 30

letting go

throughout my life, the idea of marriage has never crossed my mind as one of those phases in life that i'd be aiming for in comparison to most of my peers that felt that marriage is the ultimate statement of love to your partner/spouse and ultimately to a family and a necessary phase or one of those rites of passage to adulthood. sounds familiar? I bet. 

as naive as I'm about to sound, way before life really kicked me in the balls, i've always pictured myself in the future living in an apartment or a house in my own space and probably a dog as a companion to come home to with friends occasionally hanging out at my place for drinks, chats or movies, saving up and occasionally travelling by myself to places around the world and experiencing cultures that i've never had the chance to experience and living life to the fullest while i still can. don't get me wrong, i don't mean to sound bitter, lonely or depressed at all, but on the contrary that has always been my motivation and drive in my life to look forward to, and even more so for now.

it was only after i had the first hand taste of what love and companionship really felt like, it changed my world completely and opened doors to what life could potentially be for me with the company of another partner, then i finally understood what all the fuss of falling in and out of love, the ups and downs, the healing heartbreaks, the emotional maturity involved and all that jazz was about. it was that taste of forbidden fruit that made me capable of feeling again and ironically also the poison i needed to purge all my inhibitions and insecurities i've had about myself all these while. companionship came to me as a newbie in relationships and fuck, it was eye-opening and somewhat a release, but closure was a even more of an emotionally draining lesson of struggle but for the better me.

about 7 months plus ago as much as i hate to admit this, my world fell apart abruptly. everyday from then onwards was an uphill battle that took a toll on me and a tremendous amount of effort and control to hold everything in place and piece my life back together again. it made me realize how deluded i was as a human being on so many things, and especially how harsh i was towards myself for all those years. i saw a selfish side of me as a partner and a crippled soul treading through life not being able to see what i've been missing out in life just because i was too blind to see through myself. I was lost. 

initially gym was my first resolve, i needed a change and a distraction. i was fortunate enough to have found a gym buddy that has the patience to constantly drag me after work for gym, then it became a weekly routine and eventually i got more comfortable with the idea of it. surrounded by sweaty pits, wet cushions, awkward expressions and muscle pain gradually became a norm to me (still in awe of my level of tolerance) and before i knew it, i started signing up for yoga classes, tagging along events, trips and marathons, and being more open to meet new people, doing things that i'd never thought i'd be bothered or too lazy to do in a million years. then everything caught on from there onwards, i needed to find my confidence back and that was exactly what i needed. then one day i realized i could've experienced all these so much sooner, all those apprehensiveness and being reluctant about everything when i could've just let my guard down and let life unfold in front of me. then it hit me, i was holding myself back for far too long and missing out on so many things in life without realizing that i was caught up in my own prison. from then on, i made a conscious decision to never hold myself back again, take control of my life and prioritize myself, draw closer to what makes me smile and let go whatever that makes me unhappy and to never dwell on the past, look forward to new experiences and take the plunge as a leap of faith.

funny enough, coincidentally a good buddy of mine was thinking of moving on from his first love with things from his past and taking the next bold step further in his current relationship towards marriage. so in an epic gesture of solidarity, i jumped on to the bandwagon and we decided to set everything up in flames. i didn't want to feel sorry for myself any longer, and the first thing that came into my mind was the pile of movie tickets in my car that i'd collected years ago for movies that i've watched by myself, it was a bitter reminder of a past me that i didn't want to go back to anymore. it felt right and it was about time to let everything go and be more kind to myself. 



letting go takes a insane amount of bravery, and hope is a very dangerous thing. mix them both together you get a lethal concoction hampering you to move on from a painful experience. i remembered before i was often the go-to-man of all my good buddies who normally went through breakups, and giving advice was so much easier because at that time i never really knew what love was, and the advice i'd always give was direct and brutally honest without any sugar-coating with logical and rational perspectives about relationships and the emotional implication was never one of the factors i'd take into consideration. little did i know it takes effort, control and a hell lot of rationalizing to prevent yourself from acting impulsively in order to move on positively in life, not just in relationships for that matter, but in all aspects of life. 

it's liberating when you finally realize that someone who once meant the world to you doesn't love you any more or has already moved on. initially it might be devastating, as you progress through the months thinking back on the past and what went wrong, you might consciously want to change to make yourself appealing to the public again and probably fix something in you that would make everything right, and maybe, just maybe attract him/her back again, but that's just not how things work because the change has to come inherently within you and for yourself. 

and after maybe months or years of agonizing struggle, you'll wake up one morning realizing that you no longer want that relationship any more. not because it was bad or painful, but because you've cared and loved a person for so much in your life that you never thought you could before and sincerely what you want for him/her is to be happy, and all you can do is just be there for him/her and support in every way you can by letting go of that invisible leash you've been holding on to since you both parted ways. although it's pretty cruel how quickly things can change from loving partners to casual strangers at a drop of a hat, you learn how to not take things for granted and a lot more about people and how quickly their ability to disengage once you've got your heart broken once, but most importantly, you learn an even whole lot more about yourself as a person.

to all the people out there who have had your heart-broken, just know that it's not the end of the world but be grateful to having been through those heart-breaks and let the change happen, don't ever hold back on yourself. one day you'll be able to realize that while getting over someone who once meant the world to you, you'll realize that nobody healed your heartache, that you were the one who fixed everything on your own, and once you've proven to yourself that you can recover from it all by yourself, you won't be afraid to go looking for love again, and again, and again. 

what's the first step you ask? letting go :)

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Dezmond sprouts at 12/30/2013 04:50:00 PM | Permalink


Thursday, September 5

cleaning out my closet

one of the things in my life that i've never told anyone which i'm always in denial of is something i've always kept tightly to myself, not even to my closest buddies. i guess all along over the years i've always knew i was a little off from my emotions in this area and i've always thought i was able to control it and handle them. well, turns out i was wrong. it wasn't until recently after putting a lot of effort to change my life and scrutinize my emotions and for once being truthfully honest to myself, everything finally made sense to me. i needed to be honest to myself and face my past even if i knew i could go on through life without dealing with it, if not at some point, things will bound to repeat itself again and i wouldn't want to deal with the all the rejection, pain and grief all over again, i needed to be able to express my insecurities and identify with them, only then i could be able to grow and change for the better. this is me now, coming clean as openly bare as i can. 

growing up as the only child in the family, my friends and relatives around me have always labeled me as the golden child in the family, the rich spoiled kid who always gets what he wants, the little prince who always gets away with everything he does be it good or bad. contrary to such labels and assumptions, that was far from the ugly truth. the fact was, i was actually brought up in a very abusive environment. for years my mom and myself was abused physically and emotionally by my dad, it was domestic violence at it's worst. since primary school i've always admired other families of my friends who had siblings or loving dads, constantly asking myself in my head why wasn't i born into their families. i despised my dad so much at times i'd wished one day he would go away and leave me and my mom alone, i even ran away a few times from home when i had the chance whenever he starts to lash out and hit me, at that time i was barely even 10 years old let alone having the emotional capacity to make sense of the situation, the silliest thing that i've resorted to was holding a knife in my hands against my wrist and begging for my dad to just go away and leave me alone. there were just too many drama and hostility going on at home that i could handle and at that time, running away and the attempt at hurting myself seemed like the only best resolve. the physical abuse was the worst, i remembered my dad would use the steel end of the belt instead of the leather end as a whip, and there was once it got so worst till my dad grabbed me and threw me against the wall where i'd hit and bruise my head, at times my mom would ask me to skip school because of the marks of obvious bruises she couldn't conceal on my face, arms and legs with her make up, the worst was the bleeding on my swollen lips, throughout my childhood i'd assumed it was normal for parents to beat up their children this way as punishment because they deserved it, consequently i became constantly trapped in the web of frustration, self-hatred, anger, intimidation, fear and just gave up fighting back. my only place of refuge was the house toilet behind locked doors, sometimes it would be a corner of the house near the dumpster where i'd be pushed to the corner edge helplessly and would cry and beg for my life with my arms covering my head while my dad persistently pounding and slapping me while i patiently took each blow begging for him to stop and waiting for it all to end, and when it did, i'll be laying there panting motionless arms above my head just mentally recovering myself. i recalled that whenever i sensed my dad was about to burst, my first instinct was to run to the toilet where i'd lock myself inside for hours, waiting for my mom to come knocking and convincing me to open the door, hugging me and holding my hands telling me everything is alright while wrapping her arms around my head, there was one particular time my dad even used a hydraulic jack to pry open the toilet door because he was too furious, i remembered the moment once he broke the door and seeing that expression on his face, i genuinely thought my life was about to end and at that age my mind was already instinctively wired for survival to fight for my life, that kind of emotional stress shouldn't even be present for a young kid at that age, it was just too much to bear. i could still recall those feelings and emotions vividly because at that age, that moment was so emotionally detrimental that i trembled at the thought of it and for years that was the only world i knew how to survive in. after all these years, even typing this post now as i recall those bitter memories is making me feel a bit uneasy inside and i can already feel the burden weighing down on me. i recalled sometimes after a beating, my own way to seek refuge was just lying there motionless on the floor, scared to death after my dad was finished with me, closing my eyes and pretending that i was asleep while slowly panting after i cried, still consciously just waiting and praying for my dad to leave the room after arguing with my mom just so i could make a run to the toilet to lock myself inside without risking him seeing me and beating me again. I was so terrified and scared of him that growing up i've always seen my dad as a hostile threat, i've never seen him as a father figure or a dad, to me he was just fear and intimidation in the flesh, everyday that feeling was pushed inside my head whenever my dad was at home. for me, home never felt like home, it constantly felt like an emotional battlefield, sometimes it felt like a dungeon, and only if i'm lucky, i'll get to survive another day. 

My mom on the other hand was the patient housewife. She was the insecure one, somewhat like me. i've often being able to relate my emotions and my personality to be very similar to my mom and i'd always thought i inherited those traits from her, she was the glue that held the family together with the patience and love as the resolve that trumps everything a dysfunctional family would potentially have. i recalled my mom and my dad working out arguments when i was a little kid, my dad was harsh, my mom would stand at a corner of the room and listen to my dad lecturing her for hours just talking everything through, whenever i saw my mom leaning against the wall in silence with my dad talking, it always made me restless because what would happen after was unpredictable, at any random moment, my mom might walk away and my dad would spring up and began shouting, sometimes it would get physical with my mom or even throwing things and bashing them all over the room making a mess, and if i was unlucky i'd be caught in the fire as collateral damage; sometimes it'll end peacefully and fingers-crossed, everything would go back to normal where my dad would move on doing his work and my mom would continue on her house chores. indirectly, she taught me patience and value, she was the type of person that would go the extra mile for family and friends at the expense of her own self, something i've adopted from her but one thing i've never been able to vent out was the frustration of the emotional toll she went through of needing to please everyone, my dad, me, her friends, my grandmother, my aunts and uncles, there were nights when my dad was still out i'd remember hearing my mom weep and crying in the room alone and i'd walk over and comfort her as a little boy wondering and asking why, sometimes she'd call her sister who's also my aunt for a talk while tearing on the other end of the phone, she always subconsciously knew how to cope through all of the dramas and emotional stress and constantly had the support to pull through, for me i never had that privilege, most of me growing up i had no choice but to deal with it myself because at that time there was no alternative, i had no siblings to talk and share my frustration with or anyone to talk to. then when i was 16, my mom passed from ovarian cancer. during the final moments of her time, i remembered her consciousness had already drifted away and how her body would be struggling to gasp for breath on the hospital bed. i had already did my internet research on chemotherapy treatments and cancer cells to understand enough what was actually going on during the terminal stages of cancer and the treatments, when i asked the nurses and doctors about the lost sensations and motor functions, they practically lied to spare me the ugly truth to explain to a 15 year old kid, but what they didn't know was that i was already emotionally prepared to let her go because it was already painful to see her suffer from the chemotherapy treatment, i was already emotionally decapitated to feel grief, instead i felt relieved. during the funeral, i had not shed a single tear and my relatives were all already passing assumptions that i had relationship problems with my mom. the fact was, i did not want to trivialize her passing by mourning during a funeral and cry along with relatives or strangers to us that we'd meet rarely maybe just a few times a year, it just felt wrong, i needed to mourn privately at my own way to make sense of her passing and that was the only right way to do things for me. after her passing, i had initially planned to dedicate a whole post here to write about my mom but i never came about putting it into words, it was just too painful then, moreover during that time my blog was too public to my peers and i was uncomfortable in publicly announcing my vulnerabilities and my emotions then compared to now where i'd only get random hits from strangers of less than 10 visitors a day.

my mom's passing literally changed my life, i had lost that sense of home and refuge my mom had always made sure i never lose track of, something that i was already struggling to cling on to growing up, then emotionally i slowly drifted away from my family, away from my dad, and throughout almost 10 years i had to learn by myself how to be independent, i had to learn how to cook for me and my dad after walking back from school, i did my own laundry, house chores, at the same time working on my studies, tuition and making it to class, at times i was fortunate enough for my aunts to help me out with the daily routines whenever i have exams or when i needed the occasional help, my relationship between me and my dad was fragile throughout the years and we never really had a decent conversation and we were both distant, apparently we both gotten used to it, i then grew out of fearing him into a deep sense of distaste with all the traumatizing memories i had as a child, it wasn't easy to just turn a new leaf and put on a sincere smile, i tried once to put a clean slate but somehow i still couldn't find myself to look past the despair and fear from the years of being abused as a child, it was just too overwhelming to let go of and forgiveness was not even possible and so much more easier being said than done. sometimes my close friends would judge me on how irresponsible i was as a son to my father and how little appreciation i have for family values, instead of explaining myself, i just never bothered to because i knew they wouldn't understand and it would be futile trying to make sense to them about my past. it wasn't until i got accepted into university for my degree and flew to melaka for a fresh and clean start in life surviving off ptptn loan, only then i began to start knowing new friends and started being more pro-active in university by winning competitions, involved in organizing events and performances, being the assistant head facilitator to new intakes and etc because finally i felt like for once i'm in control of my own life, i was kind of happy of my life away from home even as short-lived as it was but i never wanted to talk about my family background to any of my new acquaintances, i constantly evaded the topic when asked and i'd always change the subject thinking how the past is already in the past and it was futile to mention something like that and stir up hurtful emotions, i was ashamed of it, all along i was running away from my own insecurities in life because i didn't have the emotional capacity to face it, i didn't even wanted to think about it because it reminded me how pathetic i was as a kid in being so worthless even to my family, but now as scary as it was i knew i needed to deal with it in order to mature myself to move on with a better perspective in life. during the 3rd year of my degree, when things began to be a tad bit overwhelming to handle with the exams, projects, assignments, datelines and problems with my coursemates, i became an emotional wreck. my housemates would treat me like the four seasons or a roller-coaster and always gave me space and ignored me whenever they sensed i was being moody or mad, i was a handful back then and i don't blame them, as a result i was often misinterpreted when all i needed was a conversation to vent and talk, it always made things worst struggling alone and not being able to express how i felt to anyone, i've never felt so alone before in my life. it accumulated inside of me and eventually all those bundled emotions started building up, then somehow i started to resort to smoking. however having that said, i was never addicted at all, for me the urge of smoking was never about the addiction to nicotine or the norm for socializing, it was the idea that smoking could potentially harm me, and that was the sensation i needed to let me know that i'm still in control of my emotions and my life that i needed to harm myself gradually in order to vent and ease out all the stress that's going through in my head, i honestly did not know how that made sense because i just knew once the tip of the cigarette is burnt and with every puff, everything just felt easier and better. i needed a reason to be in control of my own emotions to vent them and smoking somehow gave me that self-validating reminder that i do indeed have control, and at times it made me feel again and tears would gradually start to roll down my cheeks while recollecting everything into perspective, thinking about how far i came to be here now with each long puff thinking how i managed to pull through at even worst times. no one knew i smoked throughout the years during that time, not even my housemates or my friends, i'd even waited past midnight when my housemates are in bed to be able to sneak out for a cigarette, for years i kept it as my very own skeleton in the closet i held on to myself because it was my own personal way of dealing with my insecurities and emotions and i didn't want to be seen or stereotyped differently by my peers, and now i realized i need to change for the better and rely on my own state of mind to pull through instead.

transition into adulthood was never a breeze in the park or a sunday afternoon at the playground as much as i'd wish it was or what everyone thought a single child in the family would have at a that age. growing up was lonely, i'd always prayed for a sibling that i could relate to, someone to be able to listen and understand what i'm going through growing up within the family drama, every now and then seeing friends around me with siblings that are able to joke and laugh with their parents always triggered an awkward sense of loneliness and isolated emotions inside of me and probably that's the real reason why i never liked family visits or dinners, it just made me felt really vulnerable and uncomfortable, again it was my coping mechanism to escape from feeling those emotions. although my prayers never came true, i sill managed to survive myself through those emotional turmoils but it was not at the expense of nothing. i finally understood what went wrong and how it molded my personality into who i am today. throughout my life, i realized i had no sense of self-worth that i felt so worthless about myself so much that it became a defense mechanism to seek recognition and attention from people around me to overshadow all my insecurities (if it made any sense). i'll get easily mad and uncomfortable at everything that threatens to expose my insecurities, i was bundled up in a lot of anger and frustration inside of me, my dad had pretty much robbed away every ounce of self-worth i have left as a child and growing up was only just about preserving what's left of my worth. i learned how to detach myself emotionally towards everyone around me from being vulnerable to them and it was how i learned to move through life being strong, confronting and how i seem fit, as a result i became emotionally inept of dealing with my struggles from day to day with people around me, i didn't know how to be intimate with another person emotionally, i didn't even know how and all i knew how to handle it was just being mad and moody with the assumption that people would get me while longing for someone to be honest to talk to that genuinely cared, but that day never came. ironically i became really good at shielding myself while at the same time unconsciously chewing away bits and pieces of my self-esteem from the inside and gradually turned myself into the very insecure bit that i've tried so hard to keep away from the world and the people around me, and all along i assumed it as my emotional refuge. 

when that day came, my naive assumption of how that person should be turned into an ideal expectation. i began to slowly letting my guard down too soon and i gave too much of myself away assuming the ideal notion that love trumps everything, little did i realize i took my partner for granted and was releasing almost 26 years of bundled insecurities on someone i cared and expecting that person to be able to accommodate and take it all in at once, even imagining how i'd react as the receiving end made me a bit overwhelmed and of course if it was me, it would've drove myself further away. being the kind of person that has always enjoyed deep vulnerable and honest conversations with good friends, one particular conversation that really resonated with me was my friend telling me about how before i can love another person, i must first learn how to love myself. it then lingered in my head for days and weeks, i realized for years i've never appreciated myself enough to be able to stand independently on my own two feet, i'd always sell myself short in this aspect of my emotions and had not given myself any credit in my life. i didn't know how to express and give love but rather i became withdrawn and laid back in relationships. as a result, i thought love was more towards being loved rather than sharing it. loving myself was more about being secure and comfortable with my own skin and body, and being able to handle my own emotions firmly without the need to be emotionally dependent to another person, and when the time comes to share that love with someone else, it will grow and expand to compliment each other rather than just giving and providing at the expense of another, this was the ultimate love that would hold hearts together in the long run, that was the epiphany i had that showed me so many mistakes that i've made in my life and my relationship that i'd wished i would have realized sooner. 

when i was about 22, i began to openly come out to a few of my good close friends gradually and it was one of the bravest decisions that i've ever made by myself. unfortunately some friends left, and lucky enough some stayed and accepted me without any bias or discrimination, for that brief period i felt blessed and grateful. with that first step of liberation and that new found honesty, my fear of being outed slowly subsided until i graduated into the brutal world of the working environment. then i realized coming out was never that final hurdle in life that i'd initially thought that would make everything better, the real challenge was how i handled myself after that really matters. the only world i knew back then was the fear and being so paranoid of being outed, discriminated, looked down upon and treated differently by my peers, but the matter of the fact is the world itself was already vile and harshly judgmental with or without me coming out, i began to dislike the world i've come to know and it then pushed me over and buried all my insecurities even further as a coping mechanism, i turned bitter and defensive and occasionally i got verbally aggressive as well when being confronted in regards to any minorities or to people like us and taking a stand against all forms of discrimination by unconsciously carrying the burden of the world on my own shoulders even though i know i'm already comfortable being myself. i know i've always portrayed a rigid exterior of being the dominating-opinionated guy to everyone around me, but inside i've always yearned to be able to be intimate and vulnerably honest and be myself because it was something i've never been able to let go and talk about and frankly, it's really really emotionally tiring proving to my colleagues and my friends every single day that i'm equally capable and efficient as any guy would be regardless of my preference even though i've never came out to them. little did i know that all these feelings of wanting to prove something about myself was actually a reflection of me struggling with my insecurities. ironically, to my partner i changed, to my peers i came off as aggressive, confident and firm, and to me it seemed like "liberation" and that was the assumption that made all the difference. 

having coming clean with all my "dirty laundries", it'll make the difference only if i was able to reflect on those patches of stains and take the initiative to take the first step to move on in life with a different perspective on a new clean sheet. i realized that i needed to love myself to be comfortable to adapt and shouldn't need to try to change the opinions of the world around me so badly and just accept that the world is exactly how it is. i just needed to focus on myself and do the best that i can in my part of being well-achieved and proud and just trust that everything in the world will fall in place by itself without the need to control it. there's no need to overthink what other people's opinion about me because the value of my existence is measured by how i value my own life. i realized i didn't need to be scared about intimacy and being comfortable to open up about myself with another person because i love myself more than i could give. even though my abusive upbringing shaped me into who i am today, it was a catalyst that pushed me to grow and for that i am still grateful for it, no one said growing up would be easy right? as how anger has destroyed me and took away something so precious and endearingly close to my heart, learn to let them go and channel those anger positively into another form of expression rather than on another person and scar them like how my father did on me. as far as my insecurities go, everyone has them, so once in a blue moon, it's alright to let loose sometimes and show the world that you are only human and trust that whoever that crossed paths with you would value you and accept you as much as you value your own worth and never ever doubt your own worth to anyone, especially to your partner. forever remember that love and affection exists mutually between two connected beings and never ever EVER take one other for granted because in the long run, it takes a lot of effort to be very aware and to care about your partner's innate needs every single day, every single moment, and every single second to be supportive for one another to grow spiritually and emotionally without the fear of being judged or biased, because ultimately it comes down to trust and being confident enough to let go of all your inhibitions comfortably and laying it all out bare while sharing all your skeletons and your vulnerabilities of your life with a partner without weighing one another down, and trusting everything will fall into place, i learnt that the hard way. your past would always be your past and do not let it be your burden and know that it WILL be only if you choose to, it is your guide to change and grow, reflect on them and remember what you learnt from past mistakes, even better, dwell on it, then fill your head with the feelings of grief, regret, pain and even remorse of what might have changed for the better and constantly remind yourself to never repeat that same mistake and take that progressive step to be in control of your life and grasp happiness by the balls and make it ultimately yours. 





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Dezmond sprouts at 9/05/2013 07:31:00 PM | Permalink


Sunday, July 14

thank you

life.

yeap, that familiar four-lettered word, fragile little stems of characters, so timid and so vulnerable but collectively holds a much more significant meaning far greater than its own existence. we often neglect the littlest details around us and fail to see the significance it holds to us as we progress through those conscious moments in our lives. think of it as going on a mountain hike, enduring through the muscle pain and sores then finally reaching the summit, as you gasp and inhaled that long breath as if it's your last as the infinite horizon unfolds in front of you, you begin to experience the perspective, that sense of fulfilment  that liberating freedom and in that brief moment, you exhaled that final breath, smiled to your heart and then a warm surge of appreciation towards that moment starts to exude from inside. next thing you realized, there's already on a smile on your face. that's the sensation that will ground you whenever life starts to spiral out of control and when you've hit rock bottom, lock on to that emotion and forever remember it. 

i took the liberty of going through my old blog posts, my facebook photos and wall posts over the years, then i started to wonder where has that person gone? seeing all those posts and photos, that desmond was full of light with so much optimism that i could hardly recognize that it was actually my own self compared to now. trudging through the years, i've always thought i was emotionally strong and comfortable enough to handle my own emotions, but little did i know i was actually evading them all along. the fact is, i was scared, fucking terrified actually of the world around me that it overwhelmed me to the extent that i could not see that i was actually dragging myself down at the expense of my own happiness. i held in so much anger inside of me, and so much distaste towards life as a whole that the only way i subconsciously knew how to handle everything was to escape, and being introduced into the socially unjust working environment with these notions about life just made things worst. people around me have always talked about their little place of refuge, like their beds when all they could do is sleep comfortably all day, or the beach when they could just stare into the sea and get lost just listening to the sound of the colliding waves, or even just their home where refuge is just a simple roof on top of your head, then when i started to think about my own place of refuge, i could never grasp the idea of it, and i realized all these years all i did was simply just running away, i failed to see the optimism around me and didn't even tried to take control of my life and faced them straight on and work on my own emotional refuge. i needed to get back to reality to ground myself, so to speak, and see that moment of that horizon of life unfold in front of me and snap me back in the moment. 

it's been almost 2 months since the break up. there hasn't been a moment when i'd imagine how things would've been for us if we both had done things differently and hadn't made one of those impulsive split-second decisions in the relationship during those moments and reacted differently or if i had fought harder to talk things through or realized sooner how i've changed and taken everything for granted then, probably it would've changed everything and we'll be able to work it out like how we've always used to, or maybe not. only recently i decided to make the conscious attempt to purge out all the memories in order to try to move on in my life. initially during the beginning of the breakup, i was pretty glad and content about how i thought i was able to handle my emotions at first and was able to move on gradually as the weeks progressed, starting new routines, voluntarily meeting up with friends, getting occupied with heaps of assignments at work and still able to maintain contact so positively even after the break up, but little did i know it was all just a phase until everything started to fell apart inside of me.  

as weeks gone by, i think what i experienced was something people would say withdrawal? i find myself getting more and more difficult to function in my life getting through the day at work, the abrupt surge of emotions before bedtime, adjusting to being single again, no longer being able to share highlights in your life with that special someone, and sometimes even on weekends when i have time on my own where my conscious mind was working overtime as a full-fledged bitch and an efficient pain in the ass for memory recall for details. i started going through all the digital footprints throughout the relationship which was pretty much a post-breakup-recovery suicide some would say, but eventually i still needed to face them sooner or later in order to move on. i went through all the photos we've shared, the texts we exchanged, the memorabilia around my familiar space, all the memories began gushing in like tsunami waves up to a point where it got too unbearable to handle. i started recalling what happened between us, the silly little misunderstanding that night, the arguments, the confusion you struggled about us, the tears we've shared, the silence we've endured, the meltdown we had once, i was so focused and kept on dwelling why we didn't work out and kept asking myself how everything just fell apart so abruptly when i still had all the intentions to work things out and how fast everything moved on so quickly, there were just too many emotions to process and handle on myself in order to get past this, the last time i remembered having to deal alone with those emotions was after my mom's passing, i was a mess then but i still managed to pulled through. i remembered there were a few moments before when we almost gave up on each other but i held on and tried my best to make it work, we both did, we were honest about our emotions and our feelings and we've always communicated with each other how we felt because we both knew how it was all worth it in the long run and it was never easy till the extent that we had even talked about separation because it hurts me seeing my ex unhappy and struggling and confused about our relationship then when i myself was struggling inside to be more open-minded and accepting as well. notions of betrayal, blaming, frustration, hate, anger and bitterness started to conjure inside of me as an inherent coping mechanism, i started feeling helpless, i hated feeling this way about the memories we had, we've come such a long way, everything was going well together... then what changed? why didn't we approach each other and talked about what we really needed from one another? isn't that what two people being together are willing to commit when all the excitement starts to cool down? it then came to me that all along i was dwelling on to hope, past words, promises and continuously digging pit holes for myself after the break up, the urge of wanting to make things right again and getting back together was too overwhelming, then it struck me that i was too emotionally invested in the relationship and i still had feelings for my partner and i missed everything that we've had and now i needed to accept the fact that it's all no longer there... i finally broke down. 

before this i've never pictured myself having a future with a partner in my life. for me, the thought of it was terrifying, ridden with so many uncertainties with no contractual obligation whatsoever to hold two people together but just mere fragile strands of commitment and trust that takes years to weave, adapt and build, relationships are unpredictable and never ever take it for granted, i know that now. i knew how much i was willing to make the relationship work and only by taking that leap of faith and opening up your heart and mind, probably you might find someone that would crush your heart into millions of shattered pieces, or maybe, just maybe that one amazing other half that would complete you. like how my ex had always said to me when we first started, it'll not always be glitz and glamour, i knew that all along and i was ready, i thought i'd found that other half, so i took a chance, made a commitment, opened up my heart wide open and took the plunge. unfortunately in my case, i hit rock bottom. 

right now, i consciously knew i needed to move on and let go, i had to. at first, gradually resorting to blaming, hating, and anger seemed to be one of the easiest and less painful ways to move on from break ups albeit an emotionally destructive one to myself, but i knew harbouring those emotions in me made me really uneasy and uncomfortable being who i am, we've shared our lives together at one point and those were really really beautiful moments, why did i have to taint it and shove it aside just for the sake of moving on? it tore me apart realizing how much those memories changed my perspective on relationships and my life and how selfishly ignorant and guilty i've become to just throw it all away like that as if it meant nothing to me, i didn't know how to move on. i struggled. 

then i began to focus on the good moments that we had, how everything began for us when we first started dating, the moment when we first set eyes on each other across two bowls of beef noodles, the good spontaneous conversations we had by the beach for hours sitting and listening to the waves, how we've always looked forward to lunch together after fetching you from the hospital, when you'd always part your tissue in half and offered me the other half whenever we finished a meal, that sunday evening when we made it official before the power went out followed by the unexpected candlelight supper, our first argument about being ok with showing each other's vulnerabilities where after that i promised to always have your back no matter what happens, the cynical sarcasm we'd always joked on each other, the walk we had exploring around town together for one full day when my car was in the workshop, how you'd always shift my gears into neutral at traffic lights when i didn't even realized, how we'd download and exchange series to watch together during our off days whenever we could, the freezing movie nights in the cinema together especially after Les Miserable being the first time when i saw your vulnerable side and held your hand, that romantic river cruise we did during christmas where for once i finally saw that calmness in your eyes that you've been longing for so long, our long walks along the riverfront where we've shared laughter, silence, conversations, music and all those short bittersweet moments, our first kebab dinner at little lebanon on our very own special occasion, recalling that adorable confused expression whenever you'd chew your food and how you'd always complaint how sloppy i was whenever i dropped bits of food while eating, that genuine dimply smile on your face whenever you picked me up from the airport after not seeing you for days knowing that i always have somewhere to come home to, our silly mandora moments battling with each other on who gets the highest score when you'd rant in your cutest expression, how you'd always murmur by yourself walking back and fourth scratching your tummy while doing your revision when at the same time i'd be gaming devil may cry on my laptop secretly taking peeps at how adorable you looked while smiling to myself, the road trip we did during chinese new year looping to Adele, Gaga and Britney biting on cheese rolls and talked for hours in the car, how i was so nervous about meeting your family that night that both my palms were sweating like crazy, those few days together when you drove me around your hometown and invited me into your home for reunion dinner, the nervous dinner we had with your family while they were visiting town, that night when you surprised me with my favourite green tea cheesecake and ice cream for my birthday even though you didn't have to and gave me a peck on my left cheek, the intriguing conversations we always had regarding your work with jargons i'd secretly google and study just to understand the terms to relate to your profession, the many awkward cheesy moments we had being so absurdly comfortable at each other's presence at home that i've gotten used to, the future promises and commitments we naively talked about spending our lives together in the long run, how we've always said how lucky we were to have found each other after realizing how hard we've searched despite of all the crap we've been through throughout the relationship, we've came such a long way and always managed to find our way back to each other's hearts then, you taught me how to love someone when i never thought i could and most importantly, how to love myself. we both learned so much from one another and i was glad at how maturely open and honest we've got throughout the relationship compared to how we started off, it puts everything in perspective like a bird's eye view for me, it made me see everything as a whole and what happened that night that allegedly changed everything seemed like a small pebble underneath a vast sea of possibilities. what we had was uniquely special to us, but apparently we both tripped on that pebble at the worst of all timing, fell abruptly and landed on the wrong foot with the hasty presumption that the damage has been done irrevocably and somehow that moment changed everything and we gave it all up. the fact is all along i've never thought of it that way because we've been through worst times before and i was just in the moment, made a mistake and got impulsive, reacted with my heart instead of my sanity and said things i wish i could've taken back, but nothing would easily change how i felt about you, and even at that time to me you're still the love of my life that i met and fell for, i apologized for being impulsive and managed to convince myself to be open about it and accept you for finally being yourself and learned to embrace your needs and your decisions because after all we're only human, i was ready to work around it as a partner then even though i knew it wouldn't be easy because i thought it'll be for the long run for years to come. even now i still can't find a way in my heart to blame or hate as much as i needed to convince myself in order to move on, that's just not who i am or what my heart tells me. however, the fact is now, what's past is already in the past and you'll always be an important piece on the canvas of my life and for that, i'll always be forever grateful to you.

changing my perspective on those memories, i began to felt that bitter-sweetness of love, a surge of gratitude, that sensation of relief and serenity with an innate sense of liberation from inside me, as though looking through the horizon from the summit recalling that sense of appreciation and reliving those positive emotions to ground me back in the moment. i learned to cherish ever having those moments in my lifetime, embrace the memories no matter how painful it was because somewhere inside i am much more stronger than that and most importantly, i felt thankful for ever having them, tears rolled down my cheeks, then i realized... i was smiling :)

that pivotal realization was the push i needed in order to help me move on, all the negative hurtful emotions of blame, hate and frustration about the memories turned sweet and began to fade away including all the anger that i felt about life overall. from now on it'll always be an uphill climb, i know that, but at least now i found a way to help me move on with my life positively. there's this saying that "to love others, you must first love yourself", indeed it is. no one was being unkind to me but myself all along and it was about time for me to take charge of my own happiness. 

so here's to the memories, and to my new lease of life. 

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Dezmond sprouts at 7/14/2013 03:43:00 AM | Permalink


Sunday, June 2

love

i haven't been active in the blogosphere over the past few years. perhaps over those years, things changed, people changed, perceptions of life changed, priorities changed, and gradually you cave in to life as you approach a certain age of adulthood. i guess now, it's just the right moment to start taking a break from life, and recollect all the moments that had made you smile, cried, scream, laughed, and loved throughout my "hiatus" and accept them as an integral part of desmond's life, blend them all together and digest them as the bitter-sweet moments that you could only taste just once in life.

i've lived through my years not knowing what love was and there's nothing to be ashamed about that. one of my good close friends told me before "i can't wait for you to fall in love des!". i forever remembered her words, even though it was just a passing conversation in the car, it reminded me of how i've been so complacent about finding love knowingly how eager inside i've always wanted to be in one but i've never put in any effort in finding it, it was heart-rendering but at the same time a realization of my insecurities i've always had about myself. 

insecurities. 

well, put it this way (playing the "victim" aside), being the only child in the family, having been through the lost of a parent, surviving independently 4 years away from home, and an advocate of straying away from the status quo with all the transgressions of struggling with happiness, each single bit of those moments phasing in like rain drops into a seeded flower pot, from a fragile dormant seedling, u puncture through the husk and start growing throughout life and the more rain drops you receive, the more stronger you grow as the layer thickens throughout your life cycle, however the stronger you grow, the thicker your stem does to shielding all your vulnerabilities in the core to begin with. at times, with a bit of luck, fortunately u ease out a little bit of your vulnerabilities and then begin to flourish and branch out, and as you learn and survive, out comes magnificent green receptors of light to to nourish your vulnerabilities, your core, attempting to rid off your insecurities as you progress through your life cycle, making you more stronger as each leaf works to shed some light into your being.

pretty ideal isn't it?

here comes the punch and the big reality slap, i've always thought i'd be the odd plant out among all the tall gorgeous lush trees around me and thought i've seen and heard enough breakups, enough fights, enough dramas, enough discrimination, enough hate, enough injustice and enough negativity in life to be able to identify all those innate insecurities that I have and simply learn and just decide to be happy and trudge through life ignoring them till i exhaled my last breath. that has always been my mantra in life, but i realized i was so wrong all along. ignorance was never bliss, how could I possibly just decide to look pass those insecurities and assume that i was well off going through life as it is without facing them face to face and dealing with them one by one. then i understood it finally, i was so blinded by ignorance and i realized i was pretty much unhappy about my life all along and indirectly, it manifested itself in all it's nasty side and took a toll on my personality, and ultimately on my relationship.

love came into my life by chance when i had least expected it. and when it did, it changed everything. life was much more happier, brighter, everything was so right, i became more expressive, and... well, happier. you began to imagine a future together, shimmering glimpses of what life would be like together got more vivid and real, everyday was a blessing and i'd always find myself murmuring in the back of my head how lucky i was to have found love whenever i had failed to see the brighter side of humanity because i know i can always rely on my partner to make things better again even if it meant clawing each other up piece by piece then putting them back together again. indeed, love prevails and it was perfectly simple and beautiful considering before that i thought i had already given up on love and come to terms with myself walking down a lonely path till the end of days.

into the few months of our relationship, like how everything in this world does, things started to change, the misunderstandings, disagreements, small arguments started to come to light. albeit me being the newbie in relationships, we would always find ourselves communicating with each other and working everything out to "meet each other halfway" like how my partner then had always put it, my coping mechanism every time was to talk about it and be honest about everything and put it out in the open (after a brief showdown of sulking and distasteful meltdown of course). having that said, inside our hearts we both know how hard it was to have found love in the first place, all of the memories, the ugly side, the skeletons, the arguments, the laughter, the intimacy, and all the vulnerabilities that we've shared, endured, embraced and accepted of each other was what that has been grounding us together, never let them fade away. back then we knew in our hearts we were right for each other and realized it takes a lot of patience and effort to make things good again and it's a continuous process, it was never easy. there were times when i had even thought of giving up because it was too much to handle but i kept on telling myself, all this crap that we're going through right now throughout our relationship would've only made our bond stronger and maybe someday, just someday in the distant future, we'll be lying on the same bed or the couch after the day is done watching our favourite series and jokingly reminiscing those "moments" and laughing about it over a glass of wine, smiling to each other thinking of how we've come so far and being thankful and fortunate to have found one another with a peck on the cheek before bedtime. i admit that going through the first few months of the relationship, inside my mind i've always doubted myself whether "is this the one?" because i've never had a serious relationship before, and i was struggling with expressing love for my partner, it wasn't until a good close friend of mine contacted me to start planning and mapping plans for his surprise wedding proposal that got me thinking and comparing all those emotions and feelings he was explaining to me about being with her. listening attentively while talking with him, it struck me that it was exactly the same feeling as how i've always felt for my partner and it struck me why did i still need to contemplate when it has always been in front of me all along?

then everything started to change for me, i became emotionally attached, needy and emotionally dependent on my partner as if we switched roles during the beginning of our relationship. i started to let loose and let my guard down and i began to lost my own identity, my values, my personality and began changing my life habits, and the person my partner fell for at in the beginning changed, we both changed without even realizing it, my world revolved around my partner, i couldn't function and got emotionally attached and i realized i clutched all my emotional triggers on my partner with the ideal assumption that it was what love should be, how wrong i was. whenever we had a disagreement on something which made my partner uncomfortable, it reflected on my own emotions and i would be uncomfortable and moody as well, constantly blaming myself with expectations on how we both "should have" handled the situation to make things better hoping the other person to be able to make things right again. i admit that i was naive, fucking naive actually, instead i should've been able to see things objectively, taken a step back in the moment, and held on to my own emotions independently and acted positively to make my partner feel better and not expecting the other side to take the lead to console me because no one is in control of my own emotions but myself, not the other way around and vice versa, i was a wreck and i was instilling so much negativity inwards to our relationship, and all it took was a silly misunderstanding and wrong timing to set everything off like a bomb trigger. realizing that love emancipated me and for the first time, i was showing all my vulnerabilities in all it's glory, being vulnerable inadvertently exposed all those insecurities that i've shielded off from the world so long throughout my life and emotionally overwhelmed my partner, like branches stemming out erratically into overdrive. 

all those insecurities made me clutched onto my partner like an emotional prosthesis and my state of mind, my well being solely depended on it, practically like an emotionally crippled person clinging on to a latch that locks on to all their vulnerabilities on thin ice, when that latch starts to wobble or when things gets unstable, all hell breaks loose and everything falls apart. i was being unfair towards my partner all along, we were both equally valued entity of beings and i acted emotionally inferior than my partner from the firm stable singleton who my partner fell for in the first place, it was so unfair and frankly a bit immature for myself. i see myself more clearer now, i vowed to never ever shed a tear of weakness in front of my partner no matter how bad things would get, and learn to stand by my own two feet and reflect before reacting, it really is just my own state of mind. 

you see, when two people fall in love, it was never about "two become one" or "two hearts beating as one", it's the lifelong process of accommodating the dynamics of two different personalities that will be sharing their habits, vulnerabilities, and all the ups and downs in those moments with each other throughout their lives, or in other words, it's all about companionship and trust, ultimately that's what we call real love. yes, we've seen each of our ugly sides and how we acted out when we had our moments with others and had always find our ways to make things work between us, i've always admired us for being able to do so as short-lived it was. two people in love should be able to make each other "feel" good in the long run and comfortable with each other's presence through our individuality complementing and supporting each other emotionally, rather than just only focusing on making the other person happy and draining the emotional happiness from one person to another, while tipping the scales of the relationship in favour of the other, i get that now. 

thinking back of all our silly misunderstandings and arguments, i was too caught up bothering about resolving conflicts to reach a common ground and making sure we don't repeat the same mistakes again, that was a colossal mistake. i was too focused on the subject problem, and never paid any attention to the emotional impact it had on both of us and as we progressed through our relationship, eventually things got dire. it was never about solving the problem, it was never about expectations, it was all merely perspectives, i was too blinded by love, so to speak, to see that my relationship was having problems.

i never thought break ups would be so enlightening, it changes us from inside and matures us, making us emotionally stronger. it takes real courage to be able to say "break up" when you know you're taking a risk in losing something so valuable and probably this is what it really means when couples say they need some "time off" from each other to do some thinking to re-evaluate their relationships, it's really is important. rule of thumb? agree to cease all forms of contacts should couples decide on a "time off", and really commit to thinking about the relationship, it'll give you the time and perspective u need to think and reflect without the distraction of the illusion that things are "fine", that's crucial in making things right again in relationships. i had only hoped i had realized it sooner and started making the necessary adjustments to make things work again with my partner, but it's just too late now when you realized that the feelings from the other side are just no longer there to salvage when it takes two to tango. a good friend consoled me by saying couples break up and get back together always because some are meant to be, but if i were given a second chance to make things right again, would I? probably, I don't know, I really don't, but I know I will do my best this time.

i started treating myself better. waking up early for morning jogs, signing up for gym with a friend, going places that i've never been before, doing things that i've always wanted to do, making peace with close friends that got off the wrong foot and facing all those insecurities head on dealing with them like a mexican bullfight. I admit there were a lot of moments of pain, regrets, self-victimizing talks and tears after a break up, moments when you have so many things left unsaid, bits of memories of how it all started starts pouring in, and a lot of unhappiness going on after a break up, you lost someone so precious you cherished and shared so much in life and thought was the one who could've had it all with knowing how much you've both struggled so long to find love, companionship and someone who understands you and accepts you for all the vulnerabilities all that you are, and when you found that person, yet you took him/her for granted while being together in the first place and pushing him/her away without knowing it, the pain of such lost is just indescribable. but knowing that I am able to feel such pain shows how significant and meaningful the relationship was to me, so it's time for me to start embracing it for what it was and maybe to a little extent to what it could have been, face it and understand that I'm going through all these emotions is because I am only human with the capability to love another human.

it takes balls to be honest to face your own emotions, insecurities and vulnerabilities but it takes even more courage to accept it and let go, learn from your mistakes and rebuild yourself even if it is easier said than done. be good to yourself desmond.

C'est la vie.

thank you scooter pajamas :)

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Dezmond sprouts at 6/02/2013 11:17:00 PM | Permalink


Wednesday, February 23


great, the thing that actually made me write this entry and publish it, so insignificant, silly and pointless, blown out of proportions by myself, what the fuck is wrong with me?

this thing has been going on in my mind for a while now, tearing me apart inside out, killing me from the insides of my being. fuck it...

stuck here at a road block with doubts, questions, excuses, self-pitying and sickening thoughts, pathetic! holy jesus fucking mother of christ I'm going to have an emotional breakdown any time now.

guess I'd better watch Glee to numb myself with a smile.

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Dezmond sprouts at 2/23/2011 11:38:00 PM | Permalink


Tuesday, December 14


In recent months, I've find it hard and difficult to express myself, even typing this short entry isn't as simple as it seems for me.

I'm taking a few weeks time off, I'll see you again.

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Dezmond sprouts at 12/14/2010 07:20:00 AM | Permalink


Monday, November 1


take a clean empty glass cup, put it on the table and fill it with drinking water, now what do you see?

Clarity is something I've been unable to grasp in life and frankly something very far-fetched from my life. Every single second in life your mind process endless scenarios, possibilities, consequences, outcomes and your conscience then tries to filter it which leaves you to the final decisions that you make each and every single day, but it all happens in a split second without us knowing that heaps and heaps of endless strings of intricate scenarios gets judged and examined subconsciously in our minds. I for one have got to admit that life has been difficult when practically for your whole life, everything to you is complex, peer interactions are fearful uncharted waters, and all unforeseeable outcomes in life seems daunting with intimidation.

A glass of water is pure, calm with peace, clear with clarity, motionless, and just simply divine on it's own. It is adaptive and molds into the form of it's host, it's being, it's carrier.. it is temperate, unshaken by the tremors of intimidation and eventually is able to return back to clarity, it's calmness and forever purity in form. Our minds can never achieve such pleasure, such goodness in nature because ultimately we are humans with one possession, something that defines our being's very own existence... consciousness.

What I'm trying to say is, with consciousness we would over-think so many things in our lives, trying to work out the "best possible outcome" which would be the best decision and work our best possible way to evade potential disasters, we distrust ourselves to let our very own mind, our own self work it's own way subconsciously to maintain order by intruding and invading our own mind, our own self and contaminating the clarity of our minds, our glass of water. At times, life caves in like the walls that imprisons you and the pressure from the desire of seeking acknowledgment for our own existence seems like a daunting task, your mind and your consciousness kicks in to overdrive like stones, sands, fire, acid, alcohol poured into that pure existence and forever clarity is gone, lost into oblivion. You could no longer be who you really are, and the being of who you were changed, the mind, the host, the carrier changes. No matter how you try to mold back into that state of clarity, your own true self, you are still flawed, you were flawed, then forever flawed.

We constantly try to live life as who we are through the acknowledgment of the people around us, the very part of our lives which is our most natural self, the most comfortable self, some have the privilege of being so, living their lives knowing what life has in store for them, they can laugh at jokes without over-thinking each detail regardless of their outcomes, they could talk to anyone without the need to try, they are comfortable with their presence, presence of their own worth and acceptance from the people around them, they could have their own life to live, able to experience life as their own as life should be, to love, to dwell, to be truly happy in their own glass of water. However, as how things should seem perfect, it is not and never will.


Now, what do you see in your glass of water?

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Dezmond sprouts at 11/01/2010 01:22:00 AM | Permalink


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Name: Dezmond
Current location: Kuching, Sarawak, Malaysia
About me: A perceptive, full-fledged Kuching-Sarawakian who sees life through insignificance. Survived, and blogs. Currently making his way into the working environment.
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