Sunday, July 14
life.
yeap, that familiar four-lettered word, fragile little stems of characters, so timid and so vulnerable but collectively holds a much more significant meaning far greater than its own existence. we often neglect the littlest details around us and fail to see the significance it holds to us as we progress through those conscious moments in our lives. think of it as going on a mountain hike, enduring through the muscle pain and sores then finally reaching the summit, as you gasp and inhaled that long breath as if it's your last as the infinite horizon unfolds in front of you, you begin to experience the perspective, that sense of fulfilment that liberating freedom and in that brief moment, you exhaled that final breath, smiled to your heart and then a warm surge of appreciation towards that moment starts to exude from inside. next thing you realized, there's already on a smile on your face. that's the sensation that will ground you whenever life starts to spiral out of control and when you've hit rock bottom, lock on to that emotion and forever remember it.
i took the liberty of going through my old blog posts, my facebook photos and wall posts over the years, then i started to wonder where has that person gone? seeing all those posts and photos, that desmond was full of light with so much optimism that i could hardly recognize that it was actually my own self compared to now. trudging through the years, i've always thought i was emotionally strong and comfortable enough to handle my own emotions, but little did i know i was actually evading them all along. the fact is, i was scared, fucking terrified actually of the world around me that it overwhelmed me to the extent that i could not see that i was actually dragging myself down at the expense of my own happiness. i held in so much anger inside of me, and so much distaste towards life as a whole that the only way i subconsciously knew how to handle everything was to escape, and being introduced into the socially unjust working environment with these notions about life just made things worst. people around me have always talked about their little place of refuge, like their beds when all they could do is sleep comfortably all day, or the beach when they could just stare into the sea and get lost just listening to the sound of the colliding waves, or even just their home where refuge is just a simple roof on top of your head, then when i started to think about my own place of refuge, i could never grasp the idea of it, and i realized all these years all i did was simply just running away, i failed to see the optimism around me and didn't even tried to take control of my life and faced them straight on and work on my own emotional refuge. i needed to get back to reality to ground myself, so to speak, and see that moment of that horizon of life unfold in front of me and snap me back in the moment.
it's been almost 2 months since the break up. there hasn't been a moment when i'd imagine how things would've been for us if we both had done things differently and hadn't made one of those impulsive split-second decisions in the relationship during those moments and reacted differently or if i had fought harder to talk things through or realized sooner how i've changed and taken everything for granted then, probably it would've changed everything and we'll be able to work it out like how we've always used to, or maybe not. only recently i decided to make the conscious attempt to purge out all the memories in order to try to move on in my life. initially during the beginning of the breakup, i was pretty glad and content about how i thought i was able to handle my emotions at first and was able to move on gradually as the weeks progressed, starting new routines, voluntarily meeting up with friends, getting occupied with heaps of assignments at work and still able to maintain contact so positively even after the break up, but little did i know it was all just a phase until everything started to fell apart inside of me.
as weeks gone by, i think what i experienced was something people would say withdrawal? i find myself getting more and more difficult to function in my life getting through the day at work, the abrupt surge of emotions before bedtime, adjusting to being single again, no longer being able to share highlights in your life with that special someone, and sometimes even on weekends when i have time on my own where my conscious mind was working overtime as a full-fledged bitch and an efficient pain in the ass for memory recall for details. i started going through all the digital footprints throughout the relationship which was pretty much a post-breakup-recovery suicide some would say, but eventually i still needed to face them sooner or later in order to move on. i went through all the photos we've shared, the texts we exchanged, the memorabilia around my familiar space, all the memories began gushing in like tsunami waves up to a point where it got too unbearable to handle. i started recalling what happened between us, the silly little misunderstanding that night, the arguments, the confusion you struggled about us, the tears we've shared, the silence we've endured, the meltdown we had once, i was so focused and kept on dwelling why we didn't work out and kept asking myself how everything just fell apart so abruptly when i still had all the intentions to work things out and how fast everything moved on so quickly, there were just too many emotions to process and handle on myself in order to get past this, the last time i remembered having to deal alone with those emotions was after my mom's passing, i was a mess then but i still managed to pulled through. i remembered there were a few moments before when we almost gave up on each other but i held on and tried my best to make it work, we both did, we were honest about our emotions and our feelings and we've always communicated with each other how we felt because we both knew how it was all worth it in the long run and it was never easy till the extent that we had even talked about separation because it hurts me seeing my ex unhappy and struggling and confused about our relationship then when i myself was struggling inside to be more open-minded and accepting as well. notions of betrayal, blaming, frustration, hate, anger and bitterness started to conjure inside of me as an inherent coping mechanism, i started feeling helpless, i hated feeling this way about the memories we had, we've come such a long way, everything was going well together... then what changed? why didn't we approach each other and talked about what we really needed from one another? isn't that what two people being together are willing to commit when all the excitement starts to cool down? it then came to me that all along i was dwelling on to hope, past words, promises and continuously digging pit holes for myself after the break up, the urge of wanting to make things right again and getting back together was too overwhelming, then it struck me that i was too emotionally invested in the relationship and i still had feelings for my partner and i missed everything that we've had and now i needed to accept the fact that it's all no longer there... i finally broke down.
before this i've never pictured myself having a future with a partner in my life. for me, the thought of it was terrifying, ridden with so many uncertainties with no contractual obligation whatsoever to hold two people together but just mere fragile strands of commitment and trust that takes years to weave, adapt and build, relationships are unpredictable and never ever take it for granted, i know that now. i knew how much i was willing to make the relationship work and only by taking that leap of faith and opening up your heart and mind, probably you might find someone that would crush your heart into millions of shattered pieces, or maybe, just maybe that one amazing other half that would complete you. like how my ex had always said to me when we first started, it'll not always be glitz and glamour, i knew that all along and i was ready, i thought i'd found that other half, so i took a chance, made a commitment, opened up my heart wide open and took the plunge. unfortunately in my case, i hit rock bottom.
right now, i consciously knew i needed to move on and let go, i had to. at first, gradually resorting to blaming, hating, and anger seemed to be one of the easiest and less painful ways to move on from break ups albeit an emotionally destructive one to myself, but i knew harbouring those emotions in me made me really uneasy and uncomfortable being who i am, we've shared our lives together at one point and those were really really beautiful moments, why did i have to taint it and shove it aside just for the sake of moving on? it tore me apart realizing how much those memories changed my perspective on relationships and my life and how selfishly ignorant and guilty i've become to just throw it all away like that as if it meant nothing to me, i didn't know how to move on. i struggled.
then i began to focus on the good moments that we had, how everything began for us when we first started dating, the moment when we first set eyes on each other across two bowls of beef noodles, the good spontaneous conversations we had by the beach for hours sitting and listening to the waves, how we've always looked forward to lunch together after fetching you from the hospital, when you'd always part your tissue in half and offered me the other half whenever we finished a meal, that sunday evening when we made it official before the power went out followed by the unexpected candlelight supper, our first argument about being ok with showing each other's vulnerabilities where after that i promised to always have your back no matter what happens, the cynical sarcasm we'd always joked on each other, the walk we had exploring around town together for one full day when my car was in the workshop, how you'd always shift my gears into neutral at traffic lights when i didn't even realized, how we'd download and exchange series to watch together during our off days whenever we could, the freezing movie nights in the cinema together especially after Les Miserable being the first time when i saw your vulnerable side and held your hand, that romantic river cruise we did during christmas where for once i finally saw that calmness in your eyes that you've been longing for so long, our long walks along the riverfront where we've shared laughter, silence, conversations, music and all those short bittersweet moments, our first kebab dinner at little lebanon on our very own special occasion, recalling that adorable confused expression whenever you'd chew your food and how you'd always complaint how sloppy i was whenever i dropped bits of food while eating, that genuine dimply smile on your face whenever you picked me up from the airport after not seeing you for days knowing that i always have somewhere to come home to, our silly mandora moments battling with each other on who gets the highest score when you'd rant in your cutest expression, how you'd always murmur by yourself walking back and fourth scratching your tummy while doing your revision when at the same time i'd be gaming devil may cry on my laptop secretly taking peeps at how adorable you looked while smiling to myself, the road trip we did during chinese new year looping to Adele, Gaga and Britney biting on cheese rolls and talked for hours in the car, how i was so nervous about meeting your family that night that both my palms were sweating like crazy, those few days together when you drove me around your hometown and invited me into your home for reunion dinner, the nervous dinner we had with your family while they were visiting town, that night when you surprised me with my favourite green tea cheesecake and ice cream for my birthday even though you didn't have to and gave me a peck on my left cheek, the intriguing conversations we always had regarding your work with jargons i'd secretly google and study just to understand the terms to relate to your profession, the many awkward cheesy moments we had being so absurdly comfortable at each other's presence at home that i've gotten used to, the future promises and commitments we naively talked about spending our lives together in the long run, how we've always said how lucky we were to have found each other after realizing how hard we've searched despite of all the crap we've been through throughout the relationship, we've came such a long way and always managed to find our way back to each other's hearts then, you taught me how to love someone when i never thought i could and most importantly, how to love myself. we both learned so much from one another and i was glad at how maturely open and honest we've got throughout the relationship compared to how we started off, it puts everything in perspective like a bird's eye view for me, it made me see everything as a whole and what happened that night that allegedly changed everything seemed like a small pebble underneath a vast sea of possibilities. what we had was uniquely special to us, but apparently we both tripped on that pebble at the worst of all timing, fell abruptly and landed on the wrong foot with the hasty presumption that the damage has been done irrevocably and somehow that moment changed everything and we gave it all up. the fact is all along i've never thought of it that way because we've been through worst times before and i was just in the moment, made a mistake and got impulsive, reacted with my heart instead of my sanity and said things i wish i could've taken back, but nothing would easily change how i felt about you, and even at that time to me you're still the love of my life that i met and fell for, i apologized for being impulsive and managed to convince myself to be open about it and accept you for finally being yourself and learned to embrace your needs and your decisions because after all we're only human, i was ready to work around it as a partner then even though i knew it wouldn't be easy because i thought it'll be for the long run for years to come. even now i still can't find a way in my heart to blame or hate as much as i needed to convince myself in order to move on, that's just not who i am or what my heart tells me. however, the fact is now, what's past is already in the past and you'll always be an important piece on the canvas of my life and for that, i'll always be forever grateful to you.
changing my perspective on those memories, i began to felt that bitter-sweetness of love, a surge of gratitude, that sensation of relief and serenity with an innate sense of liberation from inside me, as though looking through the horizon from the summit recalling that sense of appreciation and reliving those positive emotions to ground me back in the moment. i learned to cherish ever having those moments in my lifetime, embrace the memories no matter how painful it was because somewhere inside i am much more stronger than that and most importantly, i felt thankful for ever having them, tears rolled down my cheeks, then i realized... i was smiling :)
that pivotal realization was the push i needed in order to help me move on, all the negative hurtful emotions of blame, hate and frustration about the memories turned sweet and began to fade away including all the anger that i felt about life overall. from now on it'll always be an uphill climb, i know that, but at least now i found a way to help me move on with my life positively. there's this saying that "to love others, you must first love yourself", indeed it is. no one was being unkind to me but myself all along and it was about time for me to take charge of my own happiness.
so here's to the memories, and to my new lease of life.
i took the liberty of going through my old blog posts, my facebook photos and wall posts over the years, then i started to wonder where has that person gone? seeing all those posts and photos, that desmond was full of light with so much optimism that i could hardly recognize that it was actually my own self compared to now. trudging through the years, i've always thought i was emotionally strong and comfortable enough to handle my own emotions, but little did i know i was actually evading them all along. the fact is, i was scared, fucking terrified actually of the world around me that it overwhelmed me to the extent that i could not see that i was actually dragging myself down at the expense of my own happiness. i held in so much anger inside of me, and so much distaste towards life as a whole that the only way i subconsciously knew how to handle everything was to escape, and being introduced into the socially unjust working environment with these notions about life just made things worst. people around me have always talked about their little place of refuge, like their beds when all they could do is sleep comfortably all day, or the beach when they could just stare into the sea and get lost just listening to the sound of the colliding waves, or even just their home where refuge is just a simple roof on top of your head, then when i started to think about my own place of refuge, i could never grasp the idea of it, and i realized all these years all i did was simply just running away, i failed to see the optimism around me and didn't even tried to take control of my life and faced them straight on and work on my own emotional refuge. i needed to get back to reality to ground myself, so to speak, and see that moment of that horizon of life unfold in front of me and snap me back in the moment.
it's been almost 2 months since the break up. there hasn't been a moment when i'd imagine how things would've been for us if we both had done things differently and hadn't made one of those impulsive split-second decisions in the relationship during those moments and reacted differently or if i had fought harder to talk things through or realized sooner how i've changed and taken everything for granted then, probably it would've changed everything and we'll be able to work it out like how we've always used to, or maybe not. only recently i decided to make the conscious attempt to purge out all the memories in order to try to move on in my life. initially during the beginning of the breakup, i was pretty glad and content about how i thought i was able to handle my emotions at first and was able to move on gradually as the weeks progressed, starting new routines, voluntarily meeting up with friends, getting occupied with heaps of assignments at work and still able to maintain contact so positively even after the break up, but little did i know it was all just a phase until everything started to fell apart inside of me.
as weeks gone by, i think what i experienced was something people would say withdrawal? i find myself getting more and more difficult to function in my life getting through the day at work, the abrupt surge of emotions before bedtime, adjusting to being single again, no longer being able to share highlights in your life with that special someone, and sometimes even on weekends when i have time on my own where my conscious mind was working overtime as a full-fledged bitch and an efficient pain in the ass for memory recall for details. i started going through all the digital footprints throughout the relationship which was pretty much a post-breakup-recovery suicide some would say, but eventually i still needed to face them sooner or later in order to move on. i went through all the photos we've shared, the texts we exchanged, the memorabilia around my familiar space, all the memories began gushing in like tsunami waves up to a point where it got too unbearable to handle. i started recalling what happened between us, the silly little misunderstanding that night, the arguments, the confusion you struggled about us, the tears we've shared, the silence we've endured, the meltdown we had once, i was so focused and kept on dwelling why we didn't work out and kept asking myself how everything just fell apart so abruptly when i still had all the intentions to work things out and how fast everything moved on so quickly, there were just too many emotions to process and handle on myself in order to get past this, the last time i remembered having to deal alone with those emotions was after my mom's passing, i was a mess then but i still managed to pulled through. i remembered there were a few moments before when we almost gave up on each other but i held on and tried my best to make it work, we both did, we were honest about our emotions and our feelings and we've always communicated with each other how we felt because we both knew how it was all worth it in the long run and it was never easy till the extent that we had even talked about separation because it hurts me seeing my ex unhappy and struggling and confused about our relationship then when i myself was struggling inside to be more open-minded and accepting as well. notions of betrayal, blaming, frustration, hate, anger and bitterness started to conjure inside of me as an inherent coping mechanism, i started feeling helpless, i hated feeling this way about the memories we had, we've come such a long way, everything was going well together... then what changed? why didn't we approach each other and talked about what we really needed from one another? isn't that what two people being together are willing to commit when all the excitement starts to cool down? it then came to me that all along i was dwelling on to hope, past words, promises and continuously digging pit holes for myself after the break up, the urge of wanting to make things right again and getting back together was too overwhelming, then it struck me that i was too emotionally invested in the relationship and i still had feelings for my partner and i missed everything that we've had and now i needed to accept the fact that it's all no longer there... i finally broke down.
before this i've never pictured myself having a future with a partner in my life. for me, the thought of it was terrifying, ridden with so many uncertainties with no contractual obligation whatsoever to hold two people together but just mere fragile strands of commitment and trust that takes years to weave, adapt and build, relationships are unpredictable and never ever take it for granted, i know that now. i knew how much i was willing to make the relationship work and only by taking that leap of faith and opening up your heart and mind, probably you might find someone that would crush your heart into millions of shattered pieces, or maybe, just maybe that one amazing other half that would complete you. like how my ex had always said to me when we first started, it'll not always be glitz and glamour, i knew that all along and i was ready, i thought i'd found that other half, so i took a chance, made a commitment, opened up my heart wide open and took the plunge. unfortunately in my case, i hit rock bottom.
right now, i consciously knew i needed to move on and let go, i had to. at first, gradually resorting to blaming, hating, and anger seemed to be one of the easiest and less painful ways to move on from break ups albeit an emotionally destructive one to myself, but i knew harbouring those emotions in me made me really uneasy and uncomfortable being who i am, we've shared our lives together at one point and those were really really beautiful moments, why did i have to taint it and shove it aside just for the sake of moving on? it tore me apart realizing how much those memories changed my perspective on relationships and my life and how selfishly ignorant and guilty i've become to just throw it all away like that as if it meant nothing to me, i didn't know how to move on. i struggled.
then i began to focus on the good moments that we had, how everything began for us when we first started dating, the moment when we first set eyes on each other across two bowls of beef noodles, the good spontaneous conversations we had by the beach for hours sitting and listening to the waves, how we've always looked forward to lunch together after fetching you from the hospital, when you'd always part your tissue in half and offered me the other half whenever we finished a meal, that sunday evening when we made it official before the power went out followed by the unexpected candlelight supper, our first argument about being ok with showing each other's vulnerabilities where after that i promised to always have your back no matter what happens, the cynical sarcasm we'd always joked on each other, the walk we had exploring around town together for one full day when my car was in the workshop, how you'd always shift my gears into neutral at traffic lights when i didn't even realized, how we'd download and exchange series to watch together during our off days whenever we could, the freezing movie nights in the cinema together especially after Les Miserable being the first time when i saw your vulnerable side and held your hand, that romantic river cruise we did during christmas where for once i finally saw that calmness in your eyes that you've been longing for so long, our long walks along the riverfront where we've shared laughter, silence, conversations, music and all those short bittersweet moments, our first kebab dinner at little lebanon on our very own special occasion, recalling that adorable confused expression whenever you'd chew your food and how you'd always complaint how sloppy i was whenever i dropped bits of food while eating, that genuine dimply smile on your face whenever you picked me up from the airport after not seeing you for days knowing that i always have somewhere to come home to, our silly mandora moments battling with each other on who gets the highest score when you'd rant in your cutest expression, how you'd always murmur by yourself walking back and fourth scratching your tummy while doing your revision when at the same time i'd be gaming devil may cry on my laptop secretly taking peeps at how adorable you looked while smiling to myself, the road trip we did during chinese new year looping to Adele, Gaga and Britney biting on cheese rolls and talked for hours in the car, how i was so nervous about meeting your family that night that both my palms were sweating like crazy, those few days together when you drove me around your hometown and invited me into your home for reunion dinner, the nervous dinner we had with your family while they were visiting town, that night when you surprised me with my favourite green tea cheesecake and ice cream for my birthday even though you didn't have to and gave me a peck on my left cheek, the intriguing conversations we always had regarding your work with jargons i'd secretly google and study just to understand the terms to relate to your profession, the many awkward cheesy moments we had being so absurdly comfortable at each other's presence at home that i've gotten used to, the future promises and commitments we naively talked about spending our lives together in the long run, how we've always said how lucky we were to have found each other after realizing how hard we've searched despite of all the crap we've been through throughout the relationship, we've came such a long way and always managed to find our way back to each other's hearts then, you taught me how to love someone when i never thought i could and most importantly, how to love myself. we both learned so much from one another and i was glad at how maturely open and honest we've got throughout the relationship compared to how we started off, it puts everything in perspective like a bird's eye view for me, it made me see everything as a whole and what happened that night that allegedly changed everything seemed like a small pebble underneath a vast sea of possibilities. what we had was uniquely special to us, but apparently we both tripped on that pebble at the worst of all timing, fell abruptly and landed on the wrong foot with the hasty presumption that the damage has been done irrevocably and somehow that moment changed everything and we gave it all up. the fact is all along i've never thought of it that way because we've been through worst times before and i was just in the moment, made a mistake and got impulsive, reacted with my heart instead of my sanity and said things i wish i could've taken back, but nothing would easily change how i felt about you, and even at that time to me you're still the love of my life that i met and fell for, i apologized for being impulsive and managed to convince myself to be open about it and accept you for finally being yourself and learned to embrace your needs and your decisions because after all we're only human, i was ready to work around it as a partner then even though i knew it wouldn't be easy because i thought it'll be for the long run for years to come. even now i still can't find a way in my heart to blame or hate as much as i needed to convince myself in order to move on, that's just not who i am or what my heart tells me. however, the fact is now, what's past is already in the past and you'll always be an important piece on the canvas of my life and for that, i'll always be forever grateful to you.
changing my perspective on those memories, i began to felt that bitter-sweetness of love, a surge of gratitude, that sensation of relief and serenity with an innate sense of liberation from inside me, as though looking through the horizon from the summit recalling that sense of appreciation and reliving those positive emotions to ground me back in the moment. i learned to cherish ever having those moments in my lifetime, embrace the memories no matter how painful it was because somewhere inside i am much more stronger than that and most importantly, i felt thankful for ever having them, tears rolled down my cheeks, then i realized... i was smiling :)
that pivotal realization was the push i needed in order to help me move on, all the negative hurtful emotions of blame, hate and frustration about the memories turned sweet and began to fade away including all the anger that i felt about life overall. from now on it'll always be an uphill climb, i know that, but at least now i found a way to help me move on with my life positively. there's this saying that "to love others, you must first love yourself", indeed it is. no one was being unkind to me but myself all along and it was about time for me to take charge of my own happiness.
so here's to the memories, and to my new lease of life.
Labels: letstalkabout, life, love, thoughts
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