Monday, December 30
throughout my life, the idea of marriage has never crossed my mind as one of those phases in life that i'd be aiming for in comparison to most of my peers that felt that marriage is the ultimate statement of love to your partner/spouse and ultimately to a family and a necessary phase or one of those rites of passage to adulthood. sounds familiar? I bet.
as naive as I'm about to sound, way before life really kicked me in the balls, i've always pictured myself in the future living in an apartment or a house in my own space and probably a dog as a companion to come home to with friends occasionally hanging out at my place for drinks, chats or movies, saving up and occasionally travelling by myself to places around the world and experiencing cultures that i've never had the chance to experience and living life to the fullest while i still can. don't get me wrong, i don't mean to sound bitter, lonely or depressed at all, but on the contrary that has always been my motivation and drive in my life to look forward to, and even more so for now.
it was only after i had the first hand taste of what love and companionship really felt like, it changed my world completely and opened doors to what life could potentially be for me with the company of another partner, then i finally understood what all the fuss of falling in and out of love, the ups and downs, the healing heartbreaks, the emotional maturity involved and all that jazz was about. it was that taste of forbidden fruit that made me capable of feeling again and ironically also the poison i needed to purge all my inhibitions and insecurities i've had about myself all these while. companionship came to me as a newbie in relationships and fuck, it was eye-opening and somewhat a release, but closure was a even more of an emotionally draining lesson of struggle but for the better me.
about 7 months plus ago as much as i hate to admit this, my world fell apart abruptly. everyday from then onwards was an uphill battle that took a toll on me and a tremendous amount of effort and control to hold everything in place and piece my life back together again. it made me realize how deluded i was as a human being on so many things, and especially how harsh i was towards myself for all those years. i saw a selfish side of me as a partner and a crippled soul treading through life not being able to see what i've been missing out in life just because i was too blind to see through myself. I was lost.
initially gym was my first resolve, i needed a change and a distraction. i was fortunate enough to have found a gym buddy that has the patience to constantly drag me after work for gym, then it became a weekly routine and eventually i got more comfortable with the idea of it. surrounded by sweaty pits, wet cushions, awkward expressions and muscle pain gradually became a norm to me (still in awe of my level of tolerance) and before i knew it, i started signing up for yoga classes, tagging along events, trips and marathons, and being more open to meet new people, doing things that i'd never thought i'd be bothered or too lazy to do in a million years. then everything caught on from there onwards, i needed to find my confidence back and that was exactly what i needed. then one day i realized i could've experienced all these so much sooner, all those apprehensiveness and being reluctant about everything when i could've just let my guard down and let life unfold in front of me. then it hit me, i was holding myself back for far too long and missing out on so many things in life without realizing that i was caught up in my own prison. from then on, i made a conscious decision to never hold myself back again, take control of my life and prioritize myself, draw closer to what makes me smile and let go whatever that makes me unhappy and to never dwell on the past, look forward to new experiences and take the plunge as a leap of faith.
funny enough, coincidentally a good buddy of mine was thinking of moving on from his first love with things from his past and taking the next bold step further in his current relationship towards marriage. so in an epic gesture of solidarity, i jumped on to the bandwagon and we decided to set everything up in flames. i didn't want to feel sorry for myself any longer, and the first thing that came into my mind was the pile of movie tickets in my car that i'd collected years ago for movies that i've watched by myself, it was a bitter reminder of a past me that i didn't want to go back to anymore. it felt right and it was about time to let everything go and be more kind to myself.
letting go takes a insane amount of bravery, and hope is a very dangerous thing. mix them both together you get a lethal concoction hampering you to move on from a painful experience. i remembered before i was often the go-to-man of all my good buddies who normally went through relationship issues, and giving advice was so much easier because at that time i never really knew what love was, and the advice i'd always give was direct and brutally honest without any sugar-coating with logical and rational perspectives about relationships and the emotional implication was never one of the factors i'd take into consideration. little did i know it takes effort, control and a hell lot of rationalizing to prevent yourself from acting impulsively in order to move on positively in life, not just in relationships for that matter, but in all aspects of life.
it's liberating when you finally realize that someone who once meant the world to you doesn't love you any more or has already moved on. initially it might be devastating, as you progress through the months thinking back on the past and what went wrong, you might consciously want to change to make yourself appealing to the public again and probably fix something in you that would make everything right, and maybe, just maybe attract him/her back again, but that's just not how things work because the change has to come inherently within you and for yourself.
and after maybe months or years of agonizing struggle, you'll wake up one morning realizing that you no longer want that relationship any more. not because it was bad or painful, but because you've cared and loved a person for so much in your life that you never thought you could before and sincerely what you want for him/her is to be happy, and all you can do is just be there for him/her and support in every way you can by letting go of that invisible leash you've been holding on to since you both parted ways. although it's pretty cruel how quickly things can change from loving partners to casual strangers at a drop of a hat, you learn how to not take things for granted and a lot more about people and how quickly their ability to disengage once you've got your heart broken once, but most importantly, you learn an even whole lot more about yourself as a person.
to all the people out there who have had your heart-broken, just know that it's not the end of the world but be grateful to having been through those heart-breaks and let the change happen, don't ever hold back on yourself. one day you'll be able to realize that while getting over someone who once meant the world to you, you'll realize that nobody healed your heartache, that you were the one who fixed everything on your own, and once you've proven to yourself that you can recover from it all by yourself, you won't be afraid to go looking for love again, and again, and again.
what's the first step you ask? letting go :)
as naive as I'm about to sound, way before life really kicked me in the balls, i've always pictured myself in the future living in an apartment or a house in my own space and probably a dog as a companion to come home to with friends occasionally hanging out at my place for drinks, chats or movies, saving up and occasionally travelling by myself to places around the world and experiencing cultures that i've never had the chance to experience and living life to the fullest while i still can. don't get me wrong, i don't mean to sound bitter, lonely or depressed at all, but on the contrary that has always been my motivation and drive in my life to look forward to, and even more so for now.
it was only after i had the first hand taste of what love and companionship really felt like, it changed my world completely and opened doors to what life could potentially be for me with the company of another partner, then i finally understood what all the fuss of falling in and out of love, the ups and downs, the healing heartbreaks, the emotional maturity involved and all that jazz was about. it was that taste of forbidden fruit that made me capable of feeling again and ironically also the poison i needed to purge all my inhibitions and insecurities i've had about myself all these while. companionship came to me as a newbie in relationships and fuck, it was eye-opening and somewhat a release, but closure was a even more of an emotionally draining lesson of struggle but for the better me.
about 7 months plus ago as much as i hate to admit this, my world fell apart abruptly. everyday from then onwards was an uphill battle that took a toll on me and a tremendous amount of effort and control to hold everything in place and piece my life back together again. it made me realize how deluded i was as a human being on so many things, and especially how harsh i was towards myself for all those years. i saw a selfish side of me as a partner and a crippled soul treading through life not being able to see what i've been missing out in life just because i was too blind to see through myself. I was lost.
initially gym was my first resolve, i needed a change and a distraction. i was fortunate enough to have found a gym buddy that has the patience to constantly drag me after work for gym, then it became a weekly routine and eventually i got more comfortable with the idea of it. surrounded by sweaty pits, wet cushions, awkward expressions and muscle pain gradually became a norm to me (still in awe of my level of tolerance) and before i knew it, i started signing up for yoga classes, tagging along events, trips and marathons, and being more open to meet new people, doing things that i'd never thought i'd be bothered or too lazy to do in a million years. then everything caught on from there onwards, i needed to find my confidence back and that was exactly what i needed. then one day i realized i could've experienced all these so much sooner, all those apprehensiveness and being reluctant about everything when i could've just let my guard down and let life unfold in front of me. then it hit me, i was holding myself back for far too long and missing out on so many things in life without realizing that i was caught up in my own prison. from then on, i made a conscious decision to never hold myself back again, take control of my life and prioritize myself, draw closer to what makes me smile and let go whatever that makes me unhappy and to never dwell on the past, look forward to new experiences and take the plunge as a leap of faith.
funny enough, coincidentally a good buddy of mine was thinking of moving on from his first love with things from his past and taking the next bold step further in his current relationship towards marriage. so in an epic gesture of solidarity, i jumped on to the bandwagon and we decided to set everything up in flames. i didn't want to feel sorry for myself any longer, and the first thing that came into my mind was the pile of movie tickets in my car that i'd collected years ago for movies that i've watched by myself, it was a bitter reminder of a past me that i didn't want to go back to anymore. it felt right and it was about time to let everything go and be more kind to myself.
letting go takes a insane amount of bravery, and hope is a very dangerous thing. mix them both together you get a lethal concoction hampering you to move on from a painful experience. i remembered before i was often the go-to-man of all my good buddies who normally went through relationship issues, and giving advice was so much easier because at that time i never really knew what love was, and the advice i'd always give was direct and brutally honest without any sugar-coating with logical and rational perspectives about relationships and the emotional implication was never one of the factors i'd take into consideration. little did i know it takes effort, control and a hell lot of rationalizing to prevent yourself from acting impulsively in order to move on positively in life, not just in relationships for that matter, but in all aspects of life.
it's liberating when you finally realize that someone who once meant the world to you doesn't love you any more or has already moved on. initially it might be devastating, as you progress through the months thinking back on the past and what went wrong, you might consciously want to change to make yourself appealing to the public again and probably fix something in you that would make everything right, and maybe, just maybe attract him/her back again, but that's just not how things work because the change has to come inherently within you and for yourself.
and after maybe months or years of agonizing struggle, you'll wake up one morning realizing that you no longer want that relationship any more. not because it was bad or painful, but because you've cared and loved a person for so much in your life that you never thought you could before and sincerely what you want for him/her is to be happy, and all you can do is just be there for him/her and support in every way you can by letting go of that invisible leash you've been holding on to since you both parted ways. although it's pretty cruel how quickly things can change from loving partners to casual strangers at a drop of a hat, you learn how to not take things for granted and a lot more about people and how quickly their ability to disengage once you've got your heart broken once, but most importantly, you learn an even whole lot more about yourself as a person.
to all the people out there who have had your heart-broken, just know that it's not the end of the world but be grateful to having been through those heart-breaks and let the change happen, don't ever hold back on yourself. one day you'll be able to realize that while getting over someone who once meant the world to you, you'll realize that nobody healed your heartache, that you were the one who fixed everything on your own, and once you've proven to yourself that you can recover from it all by yourself, you won't be afraid to go looking for love again, and again, and again.
what's the first step you ask? letting go :)
Labels: letstalkabout, life, love
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